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You married a man who has not yet separated emotionally from his mother. One very obvious sign is she (mother) will be trying to control her son, you, your marriage up close and from a distance, not long after you’ve married her son.The message to you, his wife (or lover, if you want to drop the married part) is, you can marry my son but I stay number one in his emotional life. The problem is, your husband has not yet left his mother. If you don’t leave your mother you don’t have the emotional space to be truly married.In my experience there’s always an underlying well of resentment in these men.Look at how much they have to pay attention to everyone else’s needs while sacrificing their own.Number one, she has little or nothing to give, and number two, you (wife) are the competitor (in her mind at least) for her son’s adoration and affections.Number three, unfortunately, you can’t really make up for past love-life disappointment by getting an adult person to ‘parent’ you.There’s a certain selfish, perhaps self-indulgent quality to this.She is really only thinking of her own needs and not the needs of her son or her daughter-in-law for that matter.
A narcissistic mother’s marriage (worse if she doesn’t have a husband) often suffers when unhealthy triangles dominate her love-life.
It’s astonishingly self-aware, and is the kind of letter I wish I received more, instead of the one blaming men for all the ills of the world.
Then you read this letter by Emily Bracken posted on Medium and reposted on Huff Po. I’m around the corner, down the street, on Facebook, in your office, at our local coffee shop, a complete stranger. In the meantime, which of the things on Emily’s list will you admit to?
From then on it becomes a matter of gaining personal freedom and owning your own love-life.
If his marriage survives his separation from his mother (guilt), he and his wife will be able to have more of the marriage they dreamed of.